Swiss Dating

According to a feature in the NZZ print version yesterday, 71.5% of Swiss said that going out is a good way to meet a new partner.

I am waiting for the correction in next Sunday's paper that it's really 7.15% who think like this.

Come on! Have you ever tried to strike up a conversation while out socializing here??? Being sent to Switzerland is the same as being sent to Coventry...(!)

There are laws against Swiss people talking to one another unless they've been formally introduced, know what the other works at and earns, and their parents have met.

A special licence is also needed for inter-cantonal relationships.

Smarten Up Swiss People

So the UBS wants to introduce dress code guidelines and people are up in arms.

Personally, I like my bank employees to look like bank employees and not renegades from a second hand store/tattoo parlor/Lord of the Rings convention/Mr Weirdy Tufty Beard Competition (delete as appropriate).

Realpolitik

So some members of the SP political party are worried that the new manifesto which includes top ideas such as overthrowing capitalism are not going to win votes.

To them I say don't worry. If they keep losing votes at this rate there will be a radical change in society anyway - ie, there will be nothing to stop the SVP dicatorship being established...

Another great Swiss route

Great suggestion by a coworker who saw my "Between a Rock and a Hard Place" post.

Why not drive from Snot Hole to Bad Egg if you're in that part of Switzerland?

Nice...


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The Great Swiss Porn Swindle!!!

It's not often a blog gets to break a huge story but, dear readers, that's exactly what I'm going to do right now.

Take a few minutes to consider The Great Swiss Porn Swindle!!!

It goes like this:

Old man dies.

Brockenhaus cleans out the old man's house and sells on their stuff.

However, did you ever see an old man's treasured porn stash for sale in a Brockenhaus? Let's be honest, they should be stumbling over thousands of porn mags a week given the mathematical equation of Y x X = Z. (Where Y is the many old people who die per week, X represents the kinkiness of the average Swiss man and Z is the thousands of porn mags in private possession by people too old to work a computer).

The Brockenhaus should be selling porn mags at 5 Francs for a kilo like they do old books - but they don't!!! And these mags are not being left out for recycling on the street either...I've checked! It's mostly 20 Minuten, Schweizer Familie and the Migros and Coop magazines...

So where are all the deceased Swiss men's porn mags? Do you have to be a real pervert to work in a Brockenhaus? Does this explain the inexplicable musty smell in a Brockenhaus? Questions, questions ... somebody call the police ...

VOTE YES!

If you have voting rights, then please, please, please vote yes to the SP tax initiative on Sunday.

This is the best chance we'll ever have to rid this land of the scourge that is Phil Collins....

Tax dollars for a worthy cause

Sometimes you hear ex-pats moaning about the fact they pay tax but cannot vote.

On behalf of the Swiss government I say, thanks suckers for giving us money to spend on projects like this one:

"The dignity of living beings with regard to plants. Moral consideration of plants for their own sake."

Did you know that "plants count because they are able to experience something in some way as good or bad, and therefore have their own interests."
Jump straight to page 14 for more info on this.

I love the way they also paid someone to translate this VITAL document into English so someone like me can take the piss out of it.

Thanks Mr Blocher & co.

Silly (paper) Swiss woman

Meet Yvette Estermann - a politician in the SVP.

She is from Bratislava and only became Swiss in 1999. You can see her complaining about foreigners on programs like Arena at times. (Come again???)

Having rid us of our problems with minarets, she now wants to introduce a different time zone to Switzerland than the rest of Europe surrounding us.

Yvette, have a lie down, and next time maybe take the red pill instead, ok?

How cool is this name?

Shoppyland.

It's a shopping mall in Schönbühl wouldn't you know.

Isn't it great how Swiss people embrace the English language???

Another great idea

Meant to post this weeks ago.

Another great idea by the Swiss government - let's make incest legal!

See the report here - scroll down to "Debatte um Inzestverbot".

(Ever get the feeling someone in Bern is fucking his sister and was hoping to sneak this one past the legislators?)

What's next? Locking family members in cellars to be legalized?

Halloween - Swiss style

A couple of rugrats called to my door on Sunday.

Children: "Süßes oder Saueres?"

Me: "How I drink my diluted white wine is no concern of yours. Could you please fuck off now?"

The REAL story

OK Chilean miners, you've had your moment in the sun with your groovy sunglasses.

Now could you please get the fuck off the world stage because we have got the REAL triumphant tunneling story?

Thanks.

Are you between a Rock and a Hard Place?

View Larger Map

Then you are somewhere on the purple line on this map.

I am stupid

What a letter in the Coop Magazine this week!

Summary: I am a 35 year old woman. I had an affair with a married man aged 64. Then after a while he answered my calls less and less. I haven't heard from him in 2 months now. Where do I stand?

Her answer: blah, blah, blah it's over.

My answer: Seriously, how fucking stupid are you??? Honestly!!!

Festivals

If you are in serious need of some entertainment at this time of year (and now that the new Miss Schweiz has been crowned - who isn't?) may I suggest two festivals, one each from the French and Italian speaking parts of the country?

Cow fighting.
What more needs to be said!
(Note that the link leads to the "culture" section...)

Chestnut festival.
Expect large delays at the Gotthard Tunnel for this beauty!

That's the Swiss for you, 24 hour party people!

Harvard MBA (Business Planning & Prostitution)

What a plan by the authorities in Bern!

If you want to work as a prostitute you have to submit a detailed buiness plan. See the 10 vor 10 report here.

It is proving to be very difficult for most of the women to put together meaning that only the sharpest business brains are plying their trade in the sidestreets around the parliament.

If ever there was a need for a qualification in business and prostitution (and what an apt combination the two topics are) it is now!

Could the 2 stories possibly be connected in some way???

Cover of 20 Minuten, 14 September 2010.

Top of the front page - police are looking for the pensioner who owns a lot of guns and is roaming free as a sniper having already shot at them in Biel.

Rest of the front page - 13 year old boy is a better marksman than the other approx. 4,800 young children who took part in the state sanctioned shooting competition which is marked by a half day off in Zurich.

Think hard about it Swiss people...the link is staring you right in the face...

"Even Swiss people, on a Saturday night, are capable of losing their minds."

Bono, Letzigrund Zurich, September 11, 2010.

Not like you to ever be wrong Bono, right?

Swiss Club in the USA

Why join?

Because nothing says you're Swiss more than roasting a pig.

(I wonder if they're using roasting in the British or American sense of the word)

Fish...

Like most people, I always thought that there were so many fish in the lake in Zurich due to the cleanliness of the water.

Turns out 60,000,000 fish are hatched out in Stäfa every year and then released into the wild.

Why don't they just put them in a barrel and we can shoot them with our government issued guns?

Would make life a lot easier...

We speak our own happy English. Easy, hey.

Hurry up gentlemen and secure your very own "pullunder" here.

While you're at it, file this one under "other shitty words you read here which are meant to be English" and take it handy in your Beamer....that life you save may just be Swiss.....

Be safe, be Swiss...

The government has spent a lot of money this month to tell you that you need to be careful on ladders.

BE SAFE ON LADDERS THIS SEPTEMBER!!!


Official Swiss Government picture of a ladder.

Get to know our neighbors #1 - the Austrians!

Don't be scared by this picture - it's of Hatschi Bratschi, the lead character in a beloved Austrian children's book. Yes, children's book!

Hatschi Bratschi has a hot air balloon in which he travels around Austria stealing children and taking them back to his house in the Middle East somewhere.

Yes, that's right, Austrians look up to the sky to see where their missing children are. Carted away by Hatschi Bratschi no doubt.

Emmm...may I respectfully suggest that looking down in their Austrian cellars for missing children might yield better results....???

Street walkers

Am I the only one who thinks this "Yeah, you'll stop for me, won't you?" poster you can see all around Zurich looks a little like an advertisement for the beloved Swiss practice of child prostitution?

Fuck that anyway.

So the people behind the initiative pretty much said, "We want to bring back the death penalty in Switzerland........................not!" according to the news today.

I'm distraught. You see, if we had the death penalty we would certainly not be admitted to the EU according to Article 2 of their rules.

Another fine chance to ring-fence our independence foiled.

:-(

Forward with progress

We are heavily armed.

We enact laws to ban minarets.

We debate banning certain types of religious dress.

And from today, we collect signatures for a referendum on reintroducing the death penalty.

Also in today's paper, it says 10 million people around the world would move here if they could.

Choose Switzerland, because Afghanistan is full...

Another amazing offer!

Got a nice e-mail from KLM with some amazing offers this week. Or should I say they proposed me good deals KLM HAPPY DAYS!

They have knocked an AMAZING 13 Francs off fares to Madrid and Stockholm. Stop the madness!!! You're killing me with your kindness you crazy Dutch pot smokers!!!

This really was an offer that made opening up my e-mail worthwhile....

Putting meat on the bone

Couldn’t sleep last night.

Was wondering just how much donkey meat I can legally bring with me to Switzerland. Luckily the government have thought of this problem and developed a webpage to help people like me.

I can bring 0.5 kilos of donkey or mule meat with me tax-free next time I enter the country.

Thank you Bern!

All the news that's fit to print! Swiss-style!

The Coop Newspaper arrived yesterday.

For those of you with busy lives who don't have time to read all 96 pages, allow me to summarize its main contents for you.

Pages 14-16 - what is the correct sauce to suit your pasta?

Page 19 tells me that Dentalux Kräuter toothpaste is reduced this week from 1.50 to 1.20 - but hurry, hurry, while stocks last!! This amazing offer is only valid until Saturday 7 August!!!

Singer Baschi (famous for coming 6th in a Pop Idol style TV show!) thinks he is a bit like James Dean...funny that...I know the world regrets James Dean being dead but...

Filling a vacancy....Swiss style!

There is a jobless guy who sells Surprise magazine at the top of the stairs in Stadelhofen station. The kiosk opposite have a notice in the window looking for someone to work there.

What they were thinking when they hung the sign in the window?

"I wonder if there is anyone available locally to fill this job? Someone with skills in selling periodicals who could start straight away...nope, can't think of anyone."

A business model you can believe in...

Walked through the Niederdorf the other night.

The restaurants Weisser Wind and Zentrum Karl der Grosse are closed. A fire? Shut down by health inspectors? No. They are on their summer holidays.

Of course, I mean, everyone knows that Zurich is dead during July and August. No chance that someone might want to go out to eat during those balmy summer months. And anyway, it's not like there's any passing trade in the Niederdorf in summer...

Nice of neither of them to mention on their websites either that they are shut. They were probably too busy packing to think of adding this rather useful piece of information...

What cool hair....

49 Francs to look like the guy on the bottom right - what a bargain!

The worst thing is, this is actually the main selling point in the window of a city center Zurich hairdresser's!!!

An open letter to the United States of America

Shame on you USA.

We have seen how you treat your celebrity prisoners.

We have seen Ms Lohan weeping because you were VERY TOUGH on her.

And we Swiss say, ENOUGH!

So we say, Mr Polanski, you may have already confessed in a court of law to plying a 13 year old girl with drink and drugs and then forcing yourself upon her but do you know what? You've lived in the French-speaking part of Switzerland for long enough. You've served your time. Go in peace. And remember that 16 year old prostitution is still legal in about 95% of this wonderful country.

Zürifaescht

what a weekend!

3 days

2 million visitors

300,000 liters of beer!

Actually wait. Do the math, even allowing for the fact that 50% of visitors were maybe children (not likely seeing as Switzerland hates children)!

Works out at about a beer per adult per day.

Party on Zurich!

One Score and Ten Years....

Bought a plastic food cover thing from Migros recently.

It has a 30 year guarantee. I'm keeping the receipt in a safe place in case I have to go back in 2039 and say, "Excuse me, this product appears to be defective. It's still under guarantee so may I have my money back."

Then I'll probably zip home on my hoverbike and plug in to the Matrix for real.

Sun

Rumors abound that the sun will finally shine on Switzerland tomorrow.

Hope it's not true, I've almost finished my ark.

Present

Go in to Globus.

Hi, I’m looking to buy a whiskey as a present for my friend’s 40th birthday party.

Certainly Sir, what kind of price range are you thinking of?

Like around 7,500 Francs.

Well I can recommend the Macallan here for 7,580 Francs.

Sorry, did I say around 7,500 Francs? I meant to say 50.

Dress Code

So the Swiss want to ban the burka.

While we are introducing a dress code, may I suggest the following additions to the bill?

1. All Swiss people to be banned from wearing lyra shorts. Seriously, it is not essential to wear them while doing all types of sports.

2. Men and women in the Swiss "partner look" should be removed to Siberia or Affoltern am Albis. (Same hardship).

3. Women who look like renegades from the set of Dynasty to be forcibly escorted to the nearest time machine.

I am collecting signatures now...

2010?

St Gallen voted to outlaw legal prostitution for 16 and 17 year olds by just one vote 41-40.

Am I missing something here? Four years after legally requiring a car seat (for children aged up to 12), it is still legal for Swiss teenagers aged 16 in all but 2 parts of the country to sell their bodies for sex.

Is this really 2010?

Illegal by only 1 vote??? For fuck's sake, how can 49% of legislators think it is a good idea???!!!

Dalai Lama in Zurich

Look who was in Switzerland for about the millionth time, the Dalai Lama.

I really fancy paying 100 Francs to hear him.....

Alternatively I think I'll just spend it on booze and achieve inner peace that way for less money.

Let's put it to the test:

Dalai Lama vs Rio Drink Market

Rio scores higher for value and the achievement of instant inner peace every time.

Turkeys voting for Christmas

So it seems to me anyway!

Thought for Easter...

Impressive rant at work the other day by a woman in our office complaining about German speakers wishing her a "Happy Eastern".

Tax time!

It's the end of March so it's time to get your tax returns into the authorities.

The picture shows part of the form given out in Canton Zurich. More specifically, it shows the section where you are supposed to write in how many heads of cattle you own! (Click on the pic to enlarge it).

Personally, I've got all my cows offshore...

General grumpiness in Zurich explained.

Aha, you see it's not because they're miserable bastards but due to the vowel sounds they have to make!

Yeah right.

Rogue State

The world is finally starting to take notice that Switzerland's image is at odds with what is happening in politics and business.

Check out this article called "Switzerland Goes Rogue" in Foreign Policy magazine.

I wouldn't want to be associated with those crazy right-wingers!

This is hilarious - the company which designed the original poster for which the idea has now been stolen in France say "We have never worked for the (French) National Front. And we never will."

Why not? Afraid of being associated with right-wing bigots?

It's not like they have any previous form in this regard at all. Oh no, not at all.

Original image they designed:

Do you do "happy ends" Love?

Yes, with defibrillators...

Good idea

The papers today are reporting that the authorities are looking for ways to close the loophole which allows 16-year-olds to prostitute themselves legally. Last week Geneva became the first place in Switzerland to ban this.

Anyone else think this is something which should have taken priority over banning minarets? As in, this is a real problem....

Let's take a trip...

...to Burg im Leimental where the home of the discoverer of LSD Albert Hofmann is for sale for a cheap 2.5 million Francs.

Nice house with a "unique panoramic view in the middle of 30,000 square meters of agriculturally zoned land".

He lived to be over 100. What did he know that we don't???

Coke introduced to Switzerland's biggest supermarket chain.

Yes indeedy, it's true!

Coke, first patented in 1887, is now available (sorry, awailable) in Switzerland's biggest supermarket chain - Migros. In addition, other tools of the Devil such as Pampers and Nescafe coffee are also on sale now.

Let's make a big song and dance about this! Let's celebrate modernity arriving to Helvetia!

Read the flyer here.

Read an interview about this monumental move here.

If it's all too much for you, click here.

Euro groups drawn

So England are in Switzerland's group for the Euro 2012 qualifiers.

The last time English fans came, they based themselves in Zurich for the match in Vaduz. Unsurprisingly they got out of hand.

One group got the shock of their life when the barman in a pub in the Niederdorf/Old Town pulled out a gun and shot one of them in the leg.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. That's the Swiss!

That'll teach you to be late!

Train 5 minutes late?

Not acceptable.


Solution: put the train driver in hospital.

No Deal

After 6 years of being on air, Deal or No Deal is to disappear from our screens. Like most things that are successful, I don't understand the attraction, not least the cocky presenter - Roman Kilchsperger.

Still, doesn't seem to make business sense seeing as it was getting 30% audience share. Presumably it had to go to make way for ALF re-runs.

Can't wait!