16 June 2011


Some nice Banksy-style artwork outside my office....

16 April 2011

Happy Milk Day!

Today is Milk Day!

What have you got planned?

I really need to get off the Swissmilk site!

09 April 2011

Cheese eating increased +0.8% in 2010!

Swiss people ate an average of 21.55kg of cheese in 2010.


All this really means is that Swiss people now spend 0.8% more time in the gym trying to lose all this extra weight (170g)!

In addition to showing it live last Saturday, SF repeated the Mister Schweiz "contest" twice during the week.

I missed all 3 opportunities to see it.

Thank fuck.

02 April 2011

Mike Shiva is a liar?

You take that back crazy aunt of Mike's!!!

Next thing we know you'll be claiming that he cannot see into your future using cards and an expensive phone line!

31 March 2011

Dirty Swiss

On a train this week I picked up the latest issue of Via, the SBB free magazine.

The editor claims it would take 2,350 African elephants to clean up the 9,420 tons of rubbish left on Swiss trains annually.

Shocking figures!

I'm pretty sure a lot of those "elefants" are slacking off!!!

18 March 2011


So someone in work told me last week that there are more pigs than people in Canton St. Gallen.

I can believe this statistic.

Can't believe it came up in polite conversation though!!!

12 March 2011

Swiss crossword

2 words.

First one begins with S and ends with -izer and the second word is Demokr_ten.

The clue reads "minor Swiss party which distributes hate material."

Whatever could the answer be???

06 March 2011

Got Bach?

So Heerbrugg in St Gallen plays classical music to keep young people away.

Surprised it has taken them this long to cotton on this trick.

The Swiss churches have been very effective at using this weapon against young people for many years!

02 March 2011

Swiss quality

So Gaddafi had a Swiss bunker just like all of us in our houses. Bet the Tunisian and Egyptian leaders wish they had placed their trust in Swiss quality as provided by the Luwa firm 30 years ago - they might still be around if so.

Wonder if Gaddafi has to write in his wash days too?

28 February 2011

Oscar night!

Exciting times as we wait to hear the winners at the Academy Awards.

Everyone is talking about the movie Black Swan.

Especially this guy in the Migros Magazin who also handily gives away the ending for those of us who will never see it.

Thanks for the spoiler gimp!

(Not that I was ever actually going to go see this film you understand, it's the principle of the thing)!

20 February 2011


Who has the best looking flight attendants?
Not SWISS - and they're proud of it!

Jean-Claude Donzel told 20 Minuten that "Appearance is not the most important attribute (of SWISS cabin crew)."

Thanks for your honesty Jean-Claude. Any chance things might improve?

"Unlike other airlines we don't have a maximum age limit."

So that's a no then...

Welcome aboard SWISS flight LX38 to San Francisco...

10 February 2011

Stop the madness!

Unsafe cranes in Zurich airport!

"The lift, an Omme, is clearly well equipped with stowage points for the outrigger mats and even a set of cones, just sad that the user has not bothered with them."

Why hasn't this story received more prominence in the Swiss media???

06 February 2011

Good interview!

Interesting article on Donna Summer in Blick am Abend last week.

She talks about the destructive influence of drugs in the 1970s and her own drug use.

Later in the article she says that people in Zurich are very friendly and helpful.

Let this be a lesson to you kids - drug use can seriously impair your brain function - even decades later!!!

25 January 2011

Generating hardcore traffic - through sex perverts looking for Swiss porn!

As the administrator of this blog I can look at statistics about how many people read this blog.

And I've noticed a pattern.

The more porn style words that are in a post, the more perverts from China to the USA log on here. (There seems to be a huge appetite for "Swiss Porn" whatever that is exactly!)

So just for all you wankers with your trousers down, check out the keywords that encouraged you to visit this site.

Readers of a nervous disposition should click away now.

I will return to this topic in the summer and let you know how well my theory worked!

18 January 2011

Great Swiss Routes #3

We've gone international this time - leaving Künten Aargau for Fucking Austria!

View Larger Map

06 January 2011

Remember this guy?

It's "Goat Peter" from the Heidi film.

Stefan Arpagaus who played him was on Aeschbacher tonight.

I somehow don't think he's still dining out for free on this one anymore.

Now present-day Clara on the other hand...like Paul McCartney I think I could overlook her disability!

03 January 2011

100 Francs

To the first reader to send me a picture of a Reformhaus employee who actually looks healthy....

I'm not worried in the slightest about losing any money!


27 December 2010

Swiss Dating

According to a feature in the NZZ print version yesterday, 71.5% of Swiss said that going out is a good way to meet a new partner.

I am waiting for the correction in next Sunday's paper that it's really 7.15% who think like this.

Come on! Have you ever tried to strike up a conversation while out socializing here??? Being sent to Switzerland is the same as being sent to Coventry...(!)

There are laws against Swiss people talking to one another unless they've been formally introduced, know what the other works at and earns, and their parents have met.

A special licence is also needed for inter-cantonal relationships.

18 December 2010

Smarten Up Swiss People

So the UBS wants to introduce dress code guidelines and people are up in arms.

Personally, I like my bank employees to look like bank employees and not renegades from a second hand store/tattoo parlor/Lord of the Rings convention/Mr Weirdy Tufty Beard Competition (delete as appropriate).

13 December 2010


So some members of the SP political party are worried that the new manifesto which includes top ideas such as overthrowing capitalism are not going to win votes.

To them I say don't worry. If they keep losing votes at this rate there will be a radical change in society anyway - ie, there will be nothing to stop the SVP dicatorship being established...

04 December 2010

Another great Swiss route

Great suggestion by a coworker who saw my "Between a Rock and a Hard Place" post.

Why not drive from Snot Hole to Bad Egg if you're in that part of Switzerland?


View Larger Map

29 November 2010

The Great Swiss Porn Swindle!!!

It's not often a blog gets to break a huge story but, dear readers, that's exactly what I'm going to do right now.

Take a few minutes to consider The Great Swiss Porn Swindle!!!

It goes like this:

Old man dies.

Brockenhaus cleans out the old man's house and sells on their stuff.

However, did you ever see an old man's treasured porn stash for sale in a Brockenhaus? Let's be honest, they should be stumbling over thousands of porn mags a week given the mathematical equation of Y x X = Z. (Where Y is the many old people who die per week, X represents the kinkiness of the average Swiss man and Z is the thousands of porn mags in private possession by people too old to work a computer).

The Brockenhaus should be selling porn mags at 5 Francs for a kilo like they do old books - but they don't!!! And these mags are not being left out for recycling on the street either...I've checked! It's mostly 20 Minuten, Schweizer Familie and the Migros and Coop magazines...

So where are all the deceased Swiss men's porn mags? Do you have to be a real pervert to work in a Brockenhaus? Does this explain the inexplicable musty smell in a Brockenhaus? Questions, questions ... somebody call the police ...

26 November 2010


If you have voting rights, then please, please, please vote yes to the SP tax initiative on Sunday.

This is the best chance we'll ever have to rid this land of the scourge that is Phil Collins....

19 November 2010

Tax dollars for a worthy cause

Sometimes you hear ex-pats moaning about the fact they pay tax but cannot vote.

On behalf of the Swiss government I say, thanks suckers for giving us money to spend on projects like this one:

"The dignity of living beings with regard to plants. Moral consideration of plants for their own sake."

Did you know that "plants count because they are able to experience something in some way as good or bad, and therefore have their own interests."
Jump straight to page 14 for more info on this.

I love the way they also paid someone to translate this VITAL document into English so someone like me can take the piss out of it.

Thanks Mr Blocher & co.

13 November 2010

Silly (paper) Swiss woman

Meet Yvette Estermann - a politician in the SVP.

She is from Bratislava and only became Swiss in 1999. You can see her complaining about foreigners on programs like Arena at times. (Come again???)

Having rid us of our problems with minarets, she now wants to introduce a different time zone to Switzerland than the rest of Europe surrounding us.

Yvette, have a lie down, and next time maybe take the red pill instead, ok?

11 November 2010

How cool is this name?


It's a shopping mall in Schönbühl wouldn't you know.

Isn't it great how Swiss people embrace the English language???

07 November 2010

Another great idea

Meant to post this weeks ago.

Another great idea by the Swiss government - let's make incest legal!

See the report here - scroll down to "Debatte um Inzestverbot".

(Ever get the feeling someone in Bern is fucking his sister and was hoping to sneak this one past the legislators?)

What's next? Locking family members in cellars to be legalized?

02 November 2010

Halloween - Swiss style

A couple of rugrats called to my door on Sunday.

Children: "Süßes oder Saueres?"

Me: "How I drink my diluted white wine is no concern of yours. Could you please fuck off now?"

16 October 2010

The REAL story

OK Chilean miners, you've had your moment in the sun with your groovy sunglasses.

Now could you please get the fuck off the world stage because we have got the REAL triumphant tunneling story?


10 October 2010

26 September 2010


If you are in serious need of some entertainment at this time of year (and now that the new Miss Schweiz has been crowned - who isn't?) may I suggest two festivals, one each from the French and Italian speaking parts of the country?

Cow fighting.
What more needs to be said!
(Note that the link leads to the "culture" section...)

Chestnut festival.
Expect large delays at the Gotthard Tunnel for this beauty!

That's the Swiss for you, 24 hour party people!

21 September 2010

Harvard MBA (Business Planning & Prostitution)

What a plan by the authorities in Bern!

If you want to work as a prostitute you have to submit a detailed buiness plan. See the 10 vor 10 report here.

It is proving to be very difficult for most of the women to put together meaning that only the sharpest business brains are plying their trade in the sidestreets around the parliament.

If ever there was a need for a qualification in business and prostitution (and what an apt combination the two topics are) it is now!

15 September 2010

Could the 2 stories possibly be connected in some way???

Cover of 20 Minuten, 14 September 2010.

Top of the front page - police are looking for the pensioner who owns a lot of guns and is roaming free as a sniper having already shot at them in Biel.

Rest of the front page - 13 year old boy is a better marksman than the other approx. 4,800 young children who took part in the state sanctioned shooting competition which is marked by a half day off in Zurich.

Think hard about it Swiss people...the link is staring you right in the face...

12 September 2010

"Even Swiss people, on a Saturday night, are capable of losing their minds."

Bono, Letzigrund Zurich, September 11, 2010.

Not like you to ever be wrong Bono, right?